Dining Etiquette

Dining Etiquette

Most people learn proper table manners by rigorous trial and error under the watchful eye of a parent. In case you never paid attention or listened to your parent or unfortunately were never taught, here is a quick guide.

Stuff you should know already

Elbows off the table - Not allowable at any time, perhaps, in between courses being the only exception.

Chew with your mouth closed - It's so basic.

Don't talk with your mouth full - Goes along with chewing with your mouth closed.

Don't play with your food - This is not only inclusive of actual playing (like making a fort out of your mashed potatoes) but also includes pushing your food around on your plate, cutting up things that do not need cutting, etc. The only thing that should be occurring on your plate is that which is required to get food from your plate to your mouth. Everything else can be defined as playing with your food.

Don't eat too fast - Pacing yourself during a meal is just polite.

Beginning a meal

Sitting down - You should wait till your host invites you to sit at the table. When this happens, you should go to the dinner table and find your place card. If your host did not put down place cards, wait for your host to seat you. No matter how strange the seating plan of your host is, do not switch your seating cards. If your host allows you, you may seat yourself. You should sit with your date on your left (such that you are on her right). You should help her into her chair, and you should not sit until your date is seated. You should enter your chair on the left side. Do not sit at the head or the foot of the table, unless you are specifically instructed to do so.

Specifics on seating a lady - Here is how to seat a lady. Stand behind the chair and open it to her. She will walk to the table and wait for you. You should push the chair until it gently brushes the back of her legs, and she will move to sit. As she sits, gently push in further. Don't shove her chair in further after seating her unless she is dispositioned. When she wishes to get up, she will say something like, "If you'll excuse me for a moment..." and that is your cue to stand and move behind her seat. As she stands, pull the chair out and away, opening it to the side. Do not pull the chair out till she is ready to stand. Every time she leaves the table and returns, you must seat her again. This is not a one-time deal.

Address your fellow diners - Your host may not seat you with the lady that you accompanied, especially if you are married (this is why you should check your place card). If this is the case, your duties lie specifically with the lady seated to your left. However, you should address and make conversation with the person on your left and right. The classical way seating is arranged for a dinner party is to seat the table boy, girl, boy, girl, etc. Although you may wish to talk to someone across the table, it is your responsibility to make sure that those seated next to you are not ignored.

Wait for your host - Do not start eating until your host has sat down to the table. Your host will begin the meal, and it is rather important to wait, since your host may wish to say a prayer or give an explanation about the food that is about to be served.

Wait for everyone - You should wait till everyone is seated and is ready to begin eating. It is contemptibly rude to start eating before everyone has food in front of them.

Napkin - Your first action when sitting down to eat should be to drape your napkin across your lap and it is never acceptable to tuck the napkin in your collar or waistband. The napkin will remain on your lap for the duration of the meal and stays off of the table till the meal is over. So, if you should need to leave the table, your napkin should go on your seat.

Passing - If an item on the table is not within an easy arm movement, you should ask to have it passed to you.

Salt & pepper go together - If you are asked to pass the salt or the pepper, you are to pass both. The salt and pepper are always passed together.

Behavior at the table

Do not shout across the table - Often at large tables, there will be several conversations concurrently, and despite how interesting they may be, it's not appropriate to raise your voice at the table, not for conversations or to talk to the waiter or any other cause.

No distractions - When dining, polite conversation is the only activity that is acceptable. Otherwise, it should not be an activity done during dining. The most obvious infractions are: reading the newspaper, reading a book, answering your phone, using laptops or portable video games, watching TV. There are many benign or trivial acts that are still bad manners, such as showing photos to friends and family at the table. Perhaps, among friends and family, it is quite likely that no one would care. However, at the table of the Queen of England or a state dinner at the White House, you'd be in trouble.

To your left and right - Any conversation you have, you should try to involve the people seated next to you. When people plan seating charts for fancy dinners, often much thought goes into the seating plan so that interesting conversation will naturally flow. It is rude to exclude those sitting around you from a conversation.

Polite conversation - Conversation should be kept polite and inoffensive. More ribald or heated topics should be saved for when the ladies have retired to another location, but are always inappropriate at the dinner table. It should be a tranquil place, not for debate or vulgarity.

P's and Q's - Please. Thank you. Not hard to say and should be said often.

Ending a meal - This is no different from when you are little. You remain at the table until everyone is finished. If you need to leave the table prior to that, then you should excuse yourself. If you are leaving the meal altogether before it is over, it is likely necessary to request the permission of your host.

Utensils

Do not inspect your flatware - This is the height of rudeness. If you are at a dinner party, you should assume your flatware is clean. If at a restaurant of high repute, you may feel similarly safe.

Use each utensil for its given purpose - That means that a salad fork should be used for your salad, and a cold beverage spoon should be used for cold beverages.

Dirty flatware - If you should happen to drop a piece of flatware off of the table, it is dirty. DO NOT return it to the table. If you must fetch the item, you can use your napkin to retrieve it, and then request a new napkin. If there is a maid or a waiter, you should let that person retrieve it.

When to save your fork - In a meal with several courses, there should be adequate silverware for all courses. For example, your salad fork is cleared with your salad plate, and you still have your dinner fork. If additional utensils are required, they will be brought to you. If you are to save your fork for multiple courses, your host will inform you.

Graceful eating - You should hold a piece of silverware with the minimum amount of force required. You should not grip it or choke it. It should be held in the same manner as a pen. You should make a minimum amount of noise with your flatware.

Soup - There are a lot of intricacies to eating soup. Always remember, hold spoon soup away from you, towards the center of the soup plate, and sip from the side of the spoon. Never put the whole spoon in your mouth (no utensil should entirely enter your mouth). Do not slurp, and try to refrain from blowing on your spoon, but if you must, do it quietly. It is acceptable to tip the soup bowl AWAY from you to get the last bits.

The pasta spoon - You may be given a spoon with your dinner of spaghetti or linguine, etc. This spoon is for twirling your noodle onto your fork. You should hold this spoon in your left hand and use your fork in your right as you normally would. This spoon is entirely extraneous if your pasta was served to you correctly, that is to say, in a shallow bowl.

Chopsticks - If you don't know how to use chopsticks, you should learn, but if you're at a dinner party or elegant restaurant, it is not the time to learn. You should ask for a fork.

Don't lick your knife - You actually should not lick or suck on any of your utensils, chopsticks included. This is especially true with the knife, since the knife at no time should be near your mouth. If you wish to clean your knife, you should scrape the flat side of the knife across a tine of your fork, and repeat for the other side of your knife.

Don't point - It is never acceptable to point to anyone or anything using your utensils. Pointing in and of itself is bad manners. Pointing with a utensil is extremely rude.

Cutting

The myth of the steak knife - There is nothing that will be served to you that actually requires a steak knife. If you are given a steak knife, you should use it, since it was given to you for that expressed purpose. However, if you are not given a steak knife, do not ask for one.

Holding your fork and knife - You should hold the knife in your right with the handle across your palm and your index finger on the back of the blade. You should hold your fork in your left in the same way, with tines down.

American Style - The American style for cutting is to cut, and then put your knife down across the top of your plate. The fork switches back to the right hand, and is held in the regular pen-like manner. You may use it tines-down in order to 'stab' your meat or whatever you were cutting. When you are ready to cut again, switch the fork back to the left and pick up your knife in the right.

Continental Style - Also known as European style, the only difference is that you do not switch the fork back to the right. You use the fork in your left to eat. A variation on this used in Britain is to use the fork tines-down in the left hand, and to push food onto the back of the fork tines, and use that method to transfer food to the mouth.

Cutting etiquette - You should cut each bite as you go. You should never, on any occasion, cut up whatever you are eating all at once. This is something that is done for children who cannot cut for themselves. Since you are not a child and capable of cutting food, you should not cut up your food all at once.

Notes on eating

Starting a course - The next course does not start till everyone is done with the current course. This is why you should always pace yourself to the slowest eater at your table. You shouldn't start the next course till it has been served to everyone.

On to the next course - When you are done with a course, you should put the utensils used for that course on the plate or in the bowl so that it may be easily cleared. You should line your flatware at four o'clock.

Bread - You should break bread. Do not cut your bread. When applying spread or butter, you should take whatever butter you are planning on using and place it on your bread plate. This is the bread plate's job.

Alcohol - Wine and beer are acceptable to drink with a meal. Just about every other type of liquor or spirit is not meant to be consumed with a meal. You may be offered a desseart liquor after a meal, which will be offered at the same time as coffee and tea. You will also be offered a drink before dinner. If you wish to consume liquor, you should do so at these times. It should go without saying that you should not get drunk.

Restaurant advice

There are some things that are applicable only to restaurant settings, so here are a few tidbits on eating at a restaurant.

Tipping - The minimum tip should be 15%. If your service was average, passable, nothing to write home about, that's a 15% tip. The only time you should tip less than 15% is if your service was poor or inadequate. And if this should be the case, you really should have let your wait staff know so that they could have had the chance to make up for this deficiency. You should never tip conspicuously.

More on tipping - The reason why you should always tip 15% is that the wait staff split this tip with the kitchen staff at most establishments. If you have bad service but a good meal, you are unduly punishing the kitchen staff for the wait staff's problem. If you convey your concerns about your service in a pleasant manner, you will get the results you want.

Getting help - Any waiter worth his salt will stop by your table several times during a meal, usually once during each course, to make sure everything is acceptable. If your waiter is deficient, do not flag the waiter down. Find him by sight and catch his gaze. If your waiter is not around, it is acceptable to catch the attention of the maitre d' but keep in mind that he's the most important person you will talk to in the restaurant. He won't get you water, but he'll certainly find your waiter. If the lady you are accompanying has a problem with the meal or service, it's your responsibility to rectify the situation.